I’ve been searching for the best Christmas joke and I can’t decide. The best ones are either so bad that they belong in a Christmas Cracker, or so old that we all mouth the words together and recite the punchline before it’s delivered.
So here, in no particular order of preference are my current favourite Christmas one liners (apart from No5 which is a three liner, but I like the shuddering literalism of it!)
1/Q: What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May?
A: A puddle!
2/Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A: A mince spy!
3/What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
4/It just wouldn’t be Christmas without M&S.
It would just be Chrita.
5/It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one. In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
"No" he replied, "They're all dead".
6/ Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?
You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit
7/ What do you call a bunch of Chess Grandmasters, bragging about their victories in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
8/ Who sings ‘White Christmas’ then explodes?
9/ What's the slogan for the Eskimo lottery?
'You've got to be Inuit to win you it!'
10/ How do you make Lady Gaga cry at Christmas?
Finally, as a Christmas bonus – Here is my Jude telling his own jokes in preparation for a school stand up this week!